Los Angeles Lakers: Shaq’s Maniacal Plan to Ruin Sacramento Thickens

Besides being a dominant basketball player, Shaquille O’Neal is nothing else if he’s not a maniacal genius. Call him simple, or amusing. He puts on a genie hat and flashes his signature smile and know there’s more than 7 foot 2 than meets the eye.

His toungue in cheek persona of both business and personal mastermind is a complex character which does nothing but cast shadows of cynicism over such shallow and uncomplicated characters Like Kobe Bryant and Dwight Howard. Tough.

In Shaq’s world he is many Superheroes, but he plays a Super-Villain to only one town, and one town only–Sacramento. In a stunning outcome of events, he was announced today as the new minority owner (less than 5% ownership) of the Sacramento Kings. Shaq jumped into that 3-car garage sized phone booth, put on his Superhero cape to save Sacramento from losing it’s only professional sports team, create jobs in the nation’s capital, and have a reason for the Sacramento Kings to be trending on Twitter. Shaq is a superhero once more–on paper.

How could he change his cape? He called them the ‘Sacramento Queens,’ and sung to Vlade Divac about how he should go where the people know your name (Shaq’s Cheers Theme Song), he was part of the the teams that crushed a franchise and city to the point where they are today–nearly being relocated to Seattle. There is no way that Shaq is coming to the altruistic and fiscal aid of a city to remake it into “Shaqramento.”

After thanking new, current owners of the Kings Mark Mastrov of 24 Hour Fitness and Vivek Ranadive of TIBCO software fame, the Shaqramento Super Villain peeked out his bald head from behind his cape. He couldn’t help but reveal his true intentions–

When I was in LA winning championships…

He went on to build ip his plans for Sacramento 3.0, the plans for the greatest arena in the country, and his vision for making Demarcus Cousins the franchise player that he, himself was.

But right away he tipped his hand. He couldn’t move on, past his own ongoing destruction of Sacramento. “When I was winning championships. . .” he really twisted the knife.

What’s the catch Shaq? You explained the reason you called Sacramento the ‘Queens.’ You said you “are a marketing expert. I just wanted to rile people up [. . .] bring all the screamers out. I knew what I was doing.”

And now Shaq can continue his systematic destruction of Sacramento. He is the insider he always needed (besides the NBA officials) to destroy Sacramento. What greater accomplishment for a Superhero, for a philosopher, for a marketing expert, and biggest man in basketball in the last 30 years to cement his legacy than to destroy a city?

Well played Shaq. Well played. I don’t know what the next step is, but If I had to guess, it would be a Demarcus Cousins for Dwight Howard straight up trade. Your move Shaq.

Tags: Featured Los Angeles Lakers Popular Sacramento Kings Shaq Shaquille O'Neal

  • John hooks

    @Matt Miller .I see there’s nothing enteresting in LA to write about anymore now that Kobe is old ass fuck and injured and lakers will begin to decline and suck ass.Let me give you something to write about.How about which player in Lakers will end up in a retirement home first.You have Kobe,Kaman,Nash,Gasol.lol.Dumbass bitch.Just mad cause Lakers are going to suck dick this season!.lol

  • Guest

    Does dwyane wade know how a J looks like.Cause this dude can’t spell for shit.His J looks like a J and a L mix.Just show how much he should of stayed in school and not go to the NBA.DUMBASS NIGGER!

  • John hooks

    @Matt Miller .I see there’s nothing enteresting in LA to write about anymore now that Kobe is old ass fuck and injured and lakers will begin to decline and suck ass.Let me give you something to write about.How about which player in Lakers will end up in a retirement home first.You have Kobe,Kaman,Nash,Gasol.lol.Dumbass bitch.Just mad cause Lakers are going to suck dick this season!.lol

  • John hooks

    @Matt Miller .I see there’s nothing enteresting in LA to write about anymore now that Kobe is old ass fuck and injured and lakers will begin to decline and suck ass.Let me give you something to write about.How about which player in Lakers will end up in a retirement home first.You have Kobe,Kaman,Nash,Gasol.lol.Dumbass bitch.Just mad cause Lakers are going to suck dick this season!.lol.

  • John hooks

    @Matt Miller .I see there’s nothing enteresting in LA to write about anymore now that Kobe is old ass fuck and injured and lakers will begin to decline and suck ass.Let me give you something to write about.How about which player in Lakers will end up in a retirement home first.You have Kobe,Kaman,Nash,Gasol.lol.Dumbass bitch.Just mad cause Lakers are going to suck dick this season!.lol
    ..

  • John hooks

    @Matt Miller .I see there’s nothing enteresting in LA to write about anymore now that Kobe is old ass fuck and injured and lakers will begin to decline and suck ass.Let me give you something to write about.How about which player in Lakers will end up in a retirement home first.You have Kobe,Kaman,Nash,Gasol.lol.Dumbass bitch.Just mad cause Lakers are going to suck dick this season!.lol
    ….

  • Matt Miller

    Thanks for the shout out @john_hooks:disqus. I agree there is no evidence to suggest that the aging Lakers (or just plain old) will be any good this season. Since none of the Lakers are making any news for anything but their rehab schedules lately, writing about Shaq’s strange and sudden involvement in Sacramento seemed more topical. Here’s to more enteresting [sic] things to write about during the season.

  • John hooks

    Lol.Lakers suck!

  • Double_Up

    And this is fluffy. Needs a picture of a kitten or two.