Turning it Around: What I’d Do as the Next Dodgers Owner

There comes a time when starting over becomes more of a priority than mending. This of course is the case in many things: relationships, textile production and for us, the Los Angeles Dodgers. On August 4th, the state of the Dodgers, or better yet, the estate that is the Los Angeles Dodgers will be formally awarded to one or both of the McCourts. If there is anything right with the world, the Dodgers will be on the market by August 5th. Here’s what I’d do if Bud Selig gave me the chance…

First, if I just acquired any asset, albeit a Major League Baseball team, I’d immediately hope to purge the machines that are my local competition. So gone would be the ridiculous “This is My Town” moniker that has been adorned across billboards from Van Nuys to Wilmington ever since Jon Bon Jovi decided he needed to make more money and write a similarly titled song back in 2007. If this truly was the Dodgers’ town, they wouldn’t have to proclaim it to be theirs. This isn’t the British Empire, and the sun is setting fast in Dodgertown.

Next, Ned Colleti should be sent to a ClubMed on a remote island in Tahiti, and bought out immediately. Clean house ,and make it swift. We’re talking from Colleti, to the incompetent parking attendants that are unable to properly conduct traffic along the Elysian Park entrance. Everybody has to go. The Cubs failed at this when the Ricketts Family took over, and they’ve failed in Chicago. I wouldn’t do that. If this is my team, I’ll make it mine and hire my own people like the Tampa Bay Rays did.

Thirdly, and still within the first five minutes of business, a la Arte Moreno, every concession is cut in half. Beer will be regularly priced, and not $13.50. All day games will be Dollar Days, including beer. But don’t get too excited for all of you reading this who may one of the lunatics in the Pavilions, it’s not going to be a swashbuckling time exactly.

Gang attire won’t be allowed in the ballpark, and if I could do so legally, I’d ban all offensive tattoos. I understand that this might leave the Left Field Pavilion a little bare, so ticket prices will be like they should be. Five dollars in the outfield and top deck. Want to buy online and save us the hassle of printing a ticket? Fine, but it’s going to be an absurd eight dollars. Tickets down the line in Field Boxes? How about twenty bucks for night games, fifteen for matinees and free for our men on active duty? Good, it’s done.

Most importantly, let’s get rid of the most powerful sign of the McCourt regime: the “leave the parking lot where you entered” scheme. So you want to enter on Elysian Parkway and leave with a drive through Solano Canyon? Do it. Feel free, too.

Then, I’d quit the cat and mouse game and give Vin Scully a lifetime deal. I get it. He’s dignitary who likes to take it a year or two at time. That’s great, Vin. But here’s a lifetime deal, with a hefty rise and matching endowment in your honor to start a Vin Scully School of Sports Broadcasting within the Annenberg School for Communication at USC.

Let’s get to the fun stuff. Eric Collins can take a hike, Steve Lyons can go rafting down the Colorado River, and the True Blue Network can become a reality. Contract HBO or Showtime to run an all-access show during Spring Training and show it on the channel uncut and raw. Let everyone hear what Matt Kemp has to say about bar-hopping in Glendale, and build a fan base for Clayton Kershaw for all of those twenty-something baristas who clamor to see him talk about rock climbing in Sedona.  Hard Knocks and 24/7: Penguins and Capitals are excellent examples on how to not only market your team to new fans, but create a ton of revenue with a cable-tv show.

I could go on for days, including turning up Vin Scully’s volume around the ballpark concourses and having beer vendors walk up and down aisles like they do in other parks, but I’ll finish with one important aspect of my ownership: security

No, I’m not just mentioning a bunch of guys in Dodger polos, or a ton of ushers. I want to work in conjunction with the LAPD to develop a large staff of officers that are only assigned to Dodger Stadium, and are specialized on crowd control. They’ll be contracted through the LAPD, but privately funded and work solely on bettering the welfare of Dodger Stadium to take it back from the gangs and thugs that call it home. We’re talking undercover officers, officers in every section, and a “you argue, you’re gone” policy for those riling up their attitudes at the Ravine. Again, this is a policy that isn’t tried and true, but one that can be developed and I want to be there to see it work.

I can honestly say I’ll never have the funds to own the Dodgers, and I really have no yearning. But if I had the chance, I’d try to give Arte Moreno a run for his money. Oh, and Banco Popular’s money too.

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